A metal cock and a time machine...

Pre-Script: I love my roommate. He's one of the most giving, caring individuals I've ever ran across on this crazy little blue and green orb I call 'Erf.' But the dudes aesthetic choices? DAMN. Just DAMN.

With that said, our household recently received two new additions courtesy of the roommate's parental units. Addition #Eins:

No, my friends. You're eyes don'st deceive thee. That is a 2 foot

SHARP.

METAL.

COCK.

With glowing yellow eyes. I call him 'Sharpy McCockFace', but don't tell him that cause, well... he could quite literally kill me. The only way you could make your living room more life threatening then ours is right now is if you were to, like, attach some nunchuks to a ceiling fan or use a lion as an ottoman. I wouldn't recommend either one, but then again I also wouldn't recommend having a giant scrap metal chicken in your living room either. Call me crazy, but I think he is slowly moving from the spot we put him at. And, his eyes move. I have my fingers crossed he didn't get inhabited by some roaming evil spirit of a Mongol warrior or some shit. While that would make a GREAT movie, it would be a horrible reality for me.

The second piece is so bad that I was convinced he was joking when he suggested we take it from their storage space. It makes that piece of steel poultry above look like a DaVinci in comparison. Without further adieu, #deux:

I was dead honest with him. I said, 'Dude, we can hang this in our house. I don't have a problem with it. But know this - EVERY person that walks into our place will laugh uncontrollably when they come upon this beauty. If you're cool with that, then lets roll with it." Because, lets be honest here, folks. If this thing was anymore 80's it would be a TIME MACHINE to the 80's. Like, you could just hop into it and warp ala Mario Bros. 64. Where do I even start? The frolicing orcas? The marble frame that looks like it was a leftover set piece for 'Secret Of My Success' starring a young Michael J. Fox? I don't really think you guys can see the true freshness that this frame embodies. Here's a closer look:

Thats right. Not one, not two but THREE lines of gold foil inlay. That is baller shit, right there. This picture has gold, marble and orcas. It could buy and sell you. It would hire you as its assistant and all you would do is count its money and make it panini's when it wanted them.

So, it's currently nestled away in the roommate's room. I think he was a little hurt by my words as it's apparently a family-sentimental value kinda thing. But friends are supposed to be honest. If you let a friend hang up this picture and don't warn him of the joke that will be made at its expense. You're an asshole.

This has been a P.S.A. from the 'Be honest with your friends when it comes to horrid fuckin furniture they may want to add to your living space' coalition.