On God, Foreigner & Flip Flops: The Caucasoidal Experience

How about this weather, eh? It is so damn hot.

You: How hot is it?

It is so damn hot that a radio station tried to play Foreigner’s song ‘Cold As Ice’ and all that came out of the radio was water vapor.

badumptsh.

So yeah, it’s really quite warm lately in the 206 and areas surrounding. And with the heat, brings an overall rethinking of daily wardrobe choices. That argyle sweater and tweed jacket combo is now replaced with your Gotcha tank top and the shorts with the sharks wearing sunglasses. Okay, fine, maybe your wardrobe is a little more up-to-date but I’m quite proud of my T&C Surf t-shirt collection, thankyouverymuch!

That ape has ‘tude, dude!

But I digest… It’s damn hot and I’ll be DAMNED if I am gonna rock socks in this heat. “Hey guys, my thermometer just exploded mercury all over! Lets put cotton slipcovers over our feet, followed by thick layers of leather and rubber and venture out onto the surface of the sun!” Yeahhhhhhhhh, NO.

So that brings us to alternative footwear, and more specifically the main subject of this here post. Flip Flops. The Great Aerators. Convertible Clodhoppers. Jerusalem Cruisers. And, If you’re my dad, you uncomfortably refer to them as Thongs. I honestly haven’t been wearing flip flops for very long. Growing up in the Northwest, they really aren’t that necessary. It was only when I when I started visiting my aunt and uncle in Fresno, CA that I was formally introduced to them. They referred to them as “house shoes”, which due to the heat is a westcoastian household tradition. Many years later, I was again introduced when I relocated to Ellensburg, a climate where flip flops were an utter necessity. It was so hot there that even the black dudes were rocking flip flops. Now that’s saying something! Actually, more than you might think. You see, by and large, flip flops are a white person thing. They are such a white person thing that I’m sure it’s covered in the primer convo God gives you. Oh, you don’t know about that? Let me enlighten you:

*dream sequence*

God: *nods* Sup.

Me: *nods back* …Hey.

God: Soo0, lets get down to it. I got some good news, and I got some bad news. Get used to these dichotomies, by the way.

Me: *looking quizzically into my creators eyes*

God: To put it simply, I made you white. You will hear other words for it, but they are just trying church it up. (laughs to himself) You’re a white dude. And the good news is… You will be in a position of privilege. You will be perpetually provided the benefit of the doubt. You will hardly be viewed as suspicious and in essence will be above reproach. It’s a pretty sweet gig, honestly. You’re welcome.

Me: (smiling big) Thanks!

God: No so fast there, white boy! There are two sides of the Force. Oh, you won’t get that reference but keep an eye out for a something called ‘Star Wars’. It’s pretty awesome. Anyways (shakes head), yeah, the bad news… Well, first there’s your general inability to keep a rhythm. Watch this (he snaps his fingers) Try to move your body with this.

Me: (thrashing about uncontrollably) …

God: (eyes big) Whoa. You’re worst than normal. Umm, try to become a DJ or something. That should save you a little bit of embarrassment.

Me: (looking ashamed)

God: Hey, hey, hey! Turn that frown upside down, weepy pants! This is God you’re talking to here. Hmm? Hmmmm?

Me: (sheepishly) Yeah…

God: Alright, another cross you’ll have to bear is… Ha! I kill myself sometimes… Look, your clothing choices are going to be inherently pretty suspect. Early on, not so much. You’ll wear pretty much anything and it’ll be cool. Now, later in life, you are going to feel an uncontrollable urge to wear either something called FUBU or Abercrombie and Fitch. There really isn’t a lot of in between, and you really can’t win no matter what you pick. So, just pick your poison. But no matter what path you choose, you are going to want to wear flip flops. They are like shoes, but your little toesies will be exposed.

Me: Toesies?

God: My son loves em, I prefer Nike Air Max 95’s. (shrugs) Different strokes. Aaaaand, so ends the trials of whitedudedness. Oh, you might also be pressured into listening to The Dave Matthews Band, Phish or Nickelback. I really don’t recommend any of them but sometimes when I go play poker “downstairs”, I have to listen to them nonstop. Ugh. So yeah, go on out there and make me proud, honky.

Me: I… don’t know what to say.

God: Just kiss the ring.

Me: (walks away descending slowly out of the clouds)

God: (yelling after me) Oh, and try Frisbee golf at least once. It’s kinda fun!

Or, something like that. I can’t be bothered with the details of the conversation! I didn’t exist yet, for Christ sakes. But the facts remain, and every one of that dudes predictions came true. Though I was able to walk the line between FUBU and A&F, not by much though. The most important thing is to this day I proudly wear my flip flops. It was divinely mandated. Hard to argue with that.

“In the beginning, there was open-toed footwear…”